Fuck Off; I Am Done!

They are who they are. Some people that I find problematic have low self-esteem and awareness. They are not interested in changing anything about themselves. No matter what feedback I give or how it’s delivered.

We each have a pain point and decide when enough is enough – for me, these toxic behaviors with my husband’s family are annoying and have caused too much damage over many years. It has always been offensive and somehow both his late father and stepmother insisted on not taking accountability and would often declare, “I was the problem” – which I now openly accept & admit…that “my being the problem” was I tolerated their shitty behaviors for far too long. It took me years to recognize how disconnected they were from themselves and incapable of seeing any fault in their actions. After several attempts at trying to talk to them and get them to understand, I shifted my understanding. Who they are is clear and below is a verbal message that was a final way for me to voice why I am implementing tighter boundaries effective now.

I have been watching this family flail forward for years…. I have filled gaps & tried to not only help by showing love & bringing my light but also preserve the family dynamic, encouraging communication & vulnerability, & basic relationship skills. All while attempting to keep my own family intact & prove that love and light are more powerful than darkness & dependency.

Yet somehow, through the years, over twenty – I became the outsider, the villain, an antagonist who stirred the pot, disrupted the system, and made people accountable for their actions while defending myself.  I was tagged as a taker and user when the money never mattered to me — my children and I would have had the same life with or without the funds (smaller homes, fewer vacations, etc.). Still, they would always have had me as their mother, who fought tirelessly for their well-being and loved them unconditionally for who they are.  How I am considered the one who keeps causing problems in this family is funny — isn’t it – me?  The one who entered after everyone was fully formed & has been the only person “modeling” nothing but kindness, compassion, & forgiveness at my own expense to those who have not earned or deserved it.

“Not anymore.” ……no longer will I live a lie, a masked illusion of what this “family” is not – I am stopping the pretending.  It has been far too long with me “doing good for the greater whole.”…..all of you, “including dead Jed,” have for years officially lost my trust and respect….and to be clear, “you et al.” have the relationship you have with the boys because of me – I made sure to protect them from the nastiness, and manipulative ways of this family….they are kind to you because of me and the experiences that shaped them with others in the world …when I could have very easily have allowed them to see you for what you are.  I didn’t do that because I had empathy for you, as undeserved as that was.  I knew that if I did not shield them, they would very likely have “despised” you and “distanced” our family from you and or dead Jed.

The gig is up; I am no longer facilitating this relationship.  I will be polite & neighborly, but the “fluff’ is gone.  I knew my worth and belonging when I entered this family.  After betraying myself for far too long and attempting to fit into this family to accept manipulation and vindictiveness; to go against all I know to be right, good, and kind – I am done negotiating with people who do not respect or see what I have done for the greater good. I know you are incapable of that without being told. Even when I had shared with you over the years “how to handle” or “what not to do,” you still did the opposite and shunned me.

In short, I will no longer look aside to being treated as an outsider, villain, or enemy.  I resign from that role. Through all the toxicity over the years, the one thing I have ALWAYS had is my sense of self.  It has served me well and guided me as a mother.  I can’t change this family’s ways, but I know I can care for my family and, most importantly, myself.

The above was read out loud to my husband’s stepmother, who had been a puppet and parrot to his late father (dead Jed).  He passed one year ago (November 2022), leaving many many messes to clean up. 

By unmasking myself for the final time, my intention behind sharing was not to get them or her to change but to know within myself I clearly stated my needs. The closure is vital, as I now make different choices about how I manage that family and the relationship. My continued contempt towards their lack of self-awareness which has been functioning like a disability is no longer mine to carry.

Moving forward and knowing, some people’s mission and program is not to be accountable, and there is nothing I can do about that. But I am no longer settling for a tolerable level of contentment for the greater whole and playing the game within this dysfunctional family system I married into.  The reason I decided to post this is based on education and awareness. What life continues to teach me, I want to share with others – in the hope, that they too can be transparent, and liberated knowing how to adjust behaviors around those who have toxic tendencies and are resistant to change.

My intent is simply to inform.

Leave a Reply