For years, I lived under the weight of pleasing others, constantly bending myself to fit into the expectations of those around me. It wasn’t until I reached a breaking point that I realized this behavior wasn’t serving anyone—not even myself. This is the story of my awakening, my realization that by trying to make everyone else happy, I had lost touch with who I truly was. As a recovering people-pleaser, I’m learning to reclaim my voice, set boundaries, and live a life rooted in authenticity rather than approval.

Let it be known that every people-pleaser was once a parent-pleaser. People-pleasing is not a behavior that suddenly or mysteriously starts in adulthood as a form of manipulation or a clever tactic to gain approval. It is rooted in childhood trauma—a survival tactic that can last a lifetime if we don’t become aware of and acknowledge its ripple effects. It became an adaptation, a survival strategy growing up in an environment where the adults around me were emotionally unavailable. Whether it was abandonment, criticism, or controlling behaviors, the message was clear: to get the scraps of love, care, attention, and acceptance, I had to sacrifice my true self.

The cost was steep. Over time, I lost sight of my authentic identity, trading it for the approval of others. It has taken time, therapy, and immense courage to express my true self, to learn how to set clear and consistent boundaries, and to do what’s best for me. I’ve had to normalize and push through discomfort, continuously practicing the art of disappointing others in order to honor my own needs.

In short, one’s true essence—that inner child, one’s true self—who I’ve named Rosie, after my beloved paternal grandmother, is always within, no matter what has happened to me. Learning to honor myself and Rosie is a way back to empowering and liberating myself, allowing me to take control of my life. If I can do it, so can you.

At a very young age, I learned how to protect my true self by appeasing, calming, soothing, and making others feel safe, including myself, in circumstances that were out of my control and threatening environments – which was exhausting. People-pleasing is a trauma response. To heal, take all the love you’ve been pouring into others and pour it back into yourself. That’s what I did, and I began to identify, verbalize, and share my needs with others. Oh, and being okay with disappointing others and having the courage to remove yourself from situations that no longer serve you or that disrespect or disappoint you are the ultimate forms of self-respect and preservation.

Reclaiming my identity and breaking free from the people-pleasing cycle has been a profound and ongoing journey. It’s not easy to dismantle patterns that were once vital for survival, but with each step I take toward honoring my true self—Rosie included—I find greater peace, strength, and liberation. The process of healing is not linear, but it’s transformative. I’ve learned that self-love, setting boundaries, and embracing discomfort are acts of courage that fuel growth.

You, too, have the power to reclaim your life. You can create a life grounded in self-respect, authenticity, and true fulfillment by letting go of the need for external validation and embracing the strength within. It all begins with the decision to choose yourself – and damn, does it feel incredibly invigorating.