Being with someone for over a century of my life, I have learned that love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm. For me, I often get bored and need constant stimulation of some sort. I realized a pattern was emerging. When I would pursue something new, whether that was a job, hobby, relationship, or even with my schooling, there was a few months of being in seduction mode. I then would find myself bored, disinterested, disappointed, and even looking for the next person to come along.
Why I began to ask myself and eventually my therapist? Did I have attachment issues? Was I not willing to give all of me? There is always the fear of being hurt or let down. It’s not that simple; I learned once I began my search to sort out this conundrum.
Love, desire, connection—all things that make me want to stay and go deeper with someone—are not always induced by that other person or activity. They are co-created. Instead of asking whether I’ve found the right person, I began to imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship where both partners are mutually interested in being good for each other.
After twenty-plus years, I have to recognize it’s not the other person’s responsibility to woo me, or vice versa, to maintain attention, heal and help each other grow. Love can do a plethora of things, but it can’t do everything, nor can our partners. Love is an ongoing collaboration, and it takes everyone in the relationship to sustain and grow it. This was refreshing to realize. I am not sure I believe in the true love story – that to me is too Disney-esque. The dazzling, the adventures, and infatuation will wane. Yet, my person, my love – he and I have built a life story. Lucky me!