Reconciling Resentment

I knew what I needed to do; I had to enter deeply into the roots of the I am to learn the reasons for my resentment.  I longed to experience happiness and this profound awareness of the terrain of my interior world.  People around me were not on the same journey. This is where the resentment started to seep in.  The powerful pull of me talking through my trauma was not only healing but altered the course of my life.  I profoundly grew, and this changed me.  Now that I found myself on the precipice of a new me, I wanted to offer possibilities to others on how they, too, can shed light on their dark.  I was excited to share my ways, and we together could directly address generational and cultural traumas to heal ourselves and those broken family systems we all came from.  Well, not so fast – people I realized don’t like change.

Your negative energy will not infect my peace; hopefully, my positive energy will rearrange your misery.  I saw this meme on the internet and smiled.  Recently, I am learning how to reconcile my resentment.  After years of over-functioning due to my childhood trauma and abandonment, the overzealous feeling to be needed and loved by others is done.  I am finished with my people-pleasing behavior.  My therapist told me I have compassion fatigue.  Is that a thing?  I always felt if I can overcome my darkness – why can’t everyone else?  I can help them.  I can only love and help myself.  They have to do the work to heal their own wounds.

What I have learned is that some people just don’t know anything different than to be miserable.  They’ve been doing the same thing for so long that doing something new is foreign.  I have tried for years to aid those who can’t seem to find their way out of the dark, to no avail.  After attempting to show them through my own experiences that change doesn’t cause any relief at first, but rather an upheaval and discomfort to what we are used to.  It does not look attractive as self-work, rather hard work.  To rid the negativity, I had to learn where it came from; internal dissatisfaction.  

The change will shake everything we know apart.  People don’t like change.  For me, evolution has allowed me to grow and expand.  It has taken time for me to become ok with not being liked.  Despite my loving or kindhearted nature, I finally understand that I cannot please my way into collective acceptance.  My real ray of sunshine does not affect them as they are used to the rain.  Being ok with shining regardless of their dark cloud status is my challenge.  As I am learning to cheer those who do not embrace change in any way, I also notice their little successes and remind them that they will and can snowball into real change eventually, if they choose. 

My resentment has come in many forms, but I will save that for any time, or maybe my memoir.  What I can share in a general sense is the pacing of progress for others has been my Achilles heel.  Others’ pacing has painful for me to watch, as I want them to level up, and when they don’t, I run interference.  This rescuer mode is wrong, not healthy and has caused compassion fatigue.  Those days are dwindling.  It takes time to undo my past of why I felt the need to people-please and have expectations of others.  I hold myself to high standards and life has forced me to level up, so I expect everyone else to.  This thinking is selfish.  Understanding my past played a significant role in this dysfunctional behavior.  It is not up to me to save anyone but only myself.  If they don’t choose to, all I can be is a role model from a distance, as they see the efforts I make to attain contentment with my chaos.  They make their own choices.  All I can do is shine my light and not allow their misery to infect my peace.  This is easier said than done. In reality, by reconciling my resentment I have learned the best lesson. Other people changing or even liking me for my Pollyanna ways is a bonus.  Me accepting my messy self is the real prize.

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