Dear Dad,<\/p>\n
I realized recently that I have forgotten how your voice sounds.\u00a0 How wonderful it would be to have a recording of it.\u00a0 I remember Mom always reminding you to answer the phone properly.\u00a0 You never bothered with a time-honored \u201chello\u201d, it was always just \u201cyeah\u201d.\u00a0 This was one of Mom\u2019s pet peeves, but it still makes me giggle.\u00a0 I remember thinking how cool it was, that you did the opposite of what everyone else did.<\/p>\n
I think of you often, but especially around this time \u2013 August, 30th<\/sup> 1985, the anniversary of your death.\u00a0 There are so many moments that I have grown to cherish throughout the thirty-five years we have been apart.\u00a0 I think about Mom\u2019s dismay when you would take me on your \u201cboy sprees\u201d.\u00a0 You taught me how to ride my bike at five years old and drive a four-wheeler at nine. I can see you smiling at me with that genuine grin you flashed when I would follow you up the sand dunes on my four-wheeler or when I hit a golf ball with ease.\u00a0 I remember us wrestling in the living room until I would shout the magic password (\u201cAcapulco!\u201d) for relief.<\/p>\n I never told you this, but it made me feel miserable that your yearly \u201cprize deer\u201d was killed for sport.\u00a0 I still enjoyed the time we spent together.\u00a0 I remember the meat locker that made me shiver – with cold and excitement – knowing I got to join you and the butcher while you skinned and slaughtered the animal in the stockroom at the grocery store you managed.\u00a0 And I did enjoy the taste of fresh venison jerky and that spontaneous snap when you bite into it.<\/p>\n I appreciate how patiently you allowed me to play beautician, placing countless clips in your curly hair and beard while you watched television or read the paper.\u00a0 How quickly things changed for us after that routine visit to the doctor.\u00a0 You were complaining about headaches and neck pain.\u00a0 How could we have known it was cancer, Non-Hodgkin\u2019s Lymphoma to be exact, and that we only had two more years together.<\/p>\n How did you cope?\u00a0 At twenty-eight years old you were still trying to understand who you were or what you wanted to do in this world.\u00a0 What was your first thought?\u00a0 Were you scared? Did you think you could beat it?\u00a0 Did you cry?\u00a0 The only time I remember you ever having a negative attitude about your disease was our last Christmas morning together.\u00a0 Mom bought you a traditional camouflage hunting outfit with pants and jacket.\u00a0 I remember so clearly the image of you standing in it after Mom snapped your picture.\u00a0 You sank back into your tattered, tan recliner and said clearly, \u201cI will not need this.\u201d<\/p>\n Sometimes I try to replicate the situation for myself, consider how I would deal with a toxic cloud of cancer hovering over me.\u00a0 Your pain had to be unbearable with the radiation and chemotherapy – let alone the pain from the tumor itself.\u00a0 I respect your strength and all you did to shield us from the turmoil you must have been experiencing in every part of your being.<\/p>\n Sometimes life\u2019s small problems can seem so big.\u00a0 I often think of you to put them into perspective, reminding myself and others that you would willingly be forty and have wrinkles, fifty and need cholesterol medication, sixty and require a colonoscopy, or seventy and deal with memory loss.\u00a0 All of these things would be preferable to dying from cancer at the early age of thirty.<\/p>\n I feel sad for you.\u00a0 And for me.\u00a0 For thirty-five years I have missed your presence in my life.\u00a0 There have been innumerable times I wanted to share my highs and lows with you.\u00a0 I used to imagine you coming to my grade school basketball games at Trinity Lutheran, spotting me on the court in my baby blue uniform and my white Nike high-tops running fast the way you taught me.\u00a0 All those free throws we practiced in the parking lot of the Catholic church paid off.\u00a0 My high school coach told me my form was pure.<\/p>\n High school bored me, but playing sports kept me out of trouble.\u00a0 It was my coach who helped me recover after I tore my ACL junior year and learned I would not be able to play in college.\u00a0 After that I didn\u2019t know what path to follow.\u00a0 I wish I could have talked to you.\u00a0 I wonder if you would have been a good listener.\u00a0 You always seemed to be when I was young.<\/p>\n I always followed my instinct – even if, at times, it appeared to be leading me nowhere.\u00a0 I made some poor choices, but when I honed in on my gut feeling I could rectify them.\u00a0 One time this was true was when I almost married the wrong person.\u00a0 We were not a good fit, complete opposites.\u00a0 But I liked the attention he gave me and his affectionate family was something I longed for.\u00a0 But I stayed true to me.\u00a0 That was something you modeled for me.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve never stopped wanting to make you proud. That desire has been the fuel that carried me forward.\u00a0 I had to be more tenacious, more driven, and motivated to flourish.\u00a0 I fought on, knowing that you would want me to be strong like you were to the very end.\u00a0 You believed in me and wanted me to believe in me \u2013 which is the best gift a parent can give their child.<\/p>\n So much has changed that I wish I could share with you.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0I married a man who delights in treating me like a queen.\u00a0 You both share a similar zest for life and a witty sense of humor.\u00a0 He has been my rock, Dad.\u00a0 He has given me a peaceful place to find myself and the freedom to be me.\u00a0 We have two remarkable boys who make me feel emotions I have never experienced before.\u00a0 So many of their characteristics remind me of you – their charming prankster ways especially!\u00a0 I think you would enjoy watching me be a parent.\u00a0 And recently, I found my inner girl.\u00a0 I always felt like your princess, but now I enjoy dressing up and playing the part too.\u00a0 I wonder what you would think of your fashionable, feminine tomboy.<\/p>\n I miss our shenanigans.\u00a0 Raising my boys, I instinctively mimicked the fun times we had together.\u00a0 I incorporated some tough love, like you did, but always much more affection.\u00a0 There have been many moments when I knew you were still with me in spirit. One particular time comes to mind.\u00a0 I was feeling overwhelmed with parenting my four and five-year-old and on the way to their preschool a regal looking buck appeared by the roadside.\u00a0 I stopped.\u00a0 He stopped.\u00a0 And we both stared each other directly in the eyes.\u00a0 At that instant, I felt you telling me what I needed to hear: \u201cNever give up Buttercup!\u201d<\/p>\n See you in the funny papers, Dad.<\/p>\n Love,<\/p>\n Shannon<\/p>\n \u00a9 Copyright\u00a0Shannon Hogan Cohen, August 2019<\/p>\n