For years, I thought the path to peace meant keeping the peace.

I learned to deconstruct myself early, adapting to the emotional climates around me, absorbing others’ moods, and tolerating behaviors that made my soul flinch. I thought those were what love and family were supposed to require. What being a “good daughter,” “good sister,” and “good woman” meant. But what I was doing was silencing myself to stay chosen, or at least, not abandoned.

And then I started to wake up. Slowly, painfully, powerfully.

Call it therapy, call it growing up, call it survival—either way, I began to reverse engineer my own life. I didn’t know that’s what I was doing at first. But I started watching the patterns, listening to the language behind the language, and tracing the roots of my responses and the reasons why I kept accepting versions of love and loyalty that left me drained.

I stopped asking, “Why are they treating me this way?”

And started asking, “Why did I ever think this was okay?”

That question led me everywhere. Back to childhood dynamics. Back to early beliefs. Back to the quiet agreements I made with myself to tolerate dysfunction in the name of family, friendship, or familiarity.

And once you start reverse engineering your relationships, there’s no going back.

You start seeing clearly. You begin noticing who makes you feel safe and who makes you feel small. You recognize who only liked the version of you that didn’t ask for much. And you stop blaming yourself for outgrowing dynamics that were built on your silence.

Were these relationships healthy for them? Maybe.

But for me? Absolutely not.

This season of my life isn’t about reconstruction—it’s about realignment. It’s about honoring who I am without shrinking for who I’m not.

I am not repeating what hurt me, nor downplaying what healed me. I am done negotiating with those who only love me when it is easy.  No more chaos – only clarity, a continued curiosity for what is real.

This is my era of psychological reverse engineering.

And damn, does it feel good.